The Miami Dolphins are at the epicenter of a new Cold War. At the end of Saturday’s Dolphins vs Idiot Rams game, which had a final score of 24-16 with the Fins coming away with an EASY victory, Miami Coach Roll Tideington played a haunting anthem. The anthem of the vodka drinking commie’s. An anthem that raises the question….. Is Roll Tideington a puppet for the Russian government? Is he an enemy to this beautiful land we all call home? Should he be publicly executed? Should we disembowel him and eat his disgusting, commie guts???? Coach Tide Rollington says “Eat the fucker.”
Rifts have been formed, but that didn’t stop Miami QB Ryans Vincepatrick from throwing an AltNFL record 1 TD, in Saturday’s game. Vincepatrick made, former starter, Tua Tagovailoa look like a complete imbecile. Vincepatrick said after the game, “I was a real butthurt cuck after losing my starting position to that dumbass dweeb, but now that I’m back with that “C” on my shoulder I feel like a goddamn stud.” Ryans Vincepatrick will obviously be inducted into the AltNFL Hall of Fame on the first ballot. He’s a fucking long bearded Stud.
Before, during and after Saturday’s game the American National Anthem was played and observed. Controversy struck when Coach Roll Tideington cut off the final playing of the anthem and began playing the State Anthem of the Russian Federation. Admitting that he was a spy and was gathering information to bring down the American government, he sealed his fate. Coach Tide Rollington leapt into action, snatching his former colleague by his puny, bitchy, commie throat and threw him through 5 walls in his luxury 60 room palace. Tideington, obviously crying and covered in his own snot like a moron, tried to crawl away from this enraged American Patriot but he was too slow and weak. Rollington caught him and snatched him up by his hair and carried him down to his “50 Shades of Gray” style man cave. I cannot get into what happened in the room because it was too graphic for even those with the strongest wills. Just know that from now on, while it may “look” like Coach Roll Tideington on the sidelines, it is someone else behind the veil.
What lessons did this week bring? Don’t fuck with America. Don’t fuck with the Dolphins. Jared Goff is absolute dog shit and should be traded for a pair of ripped up Sketchers Shape-Ups. That sums it up. The Rams are absolute trash and it was blatantly obvious that they are subservient rat shit and probably won’t win another game this season because of the ass whooping the Fins gave them. Until next time when the Dolphins take on the “really good, great, definitely not bad” Cardinals, I’m Carl Conk, signing off.