The Miami Dolphins – Changing the Landscape of Earth
Written by Carl Conk
This weekend showed us something. We all witnessed a change in the atmosphere. The Miami Dolphins changed the climate of the earth with their DOMINANT slaughter of the San Diego “Dumb” Chargers. 90 degree weather suddenly dropped to 20 below. A cool early winter’s breeze turned into a tornado that murdered thousands. COVID-19 suddenly became an Ebola-type sickness and killed everyone in attendance, including the Dumb Chargers. They’re literally all dead now. Who is still alive after these massive “tragedies?” The Miami Dolphins.
Coaches Tide Rollington and Roll Tideington lead the Dolphins to a victory that will echo for eternity. Toying with the every Charger like they were children. Justin “The Pervert” Herbert was found near the Miami sideline during the first half, seemingly lost. He was quoted as saying “Where is my mommy? I really, really need my big titted mommy for milky..” As men of honor and decorum Coaches Tideington and Rollington assisted the young QB by letting The Pervert know that his sloppy mom was in fact in their bed in their Miami Palace. Coach Tideington described Herbert’s mom as a “Real coke whore.” Herbert went back to the huddle and continued not to throw the ball to any of his receivers for the entirety of the game. He’s so bad.
With a final score of 27–24 the Dolphins were never out of control. Never even close to losing. There was never even a glimmer of hope for the enemy combatants that entered the stadium that day. Tua Tagovailoa said after the game “I love my coaches so much. They are the greatest leaders and instill in me more lessons and values in one day than I ever got in my 21 years of life prior to joining the league.” Tua threw for 2 TD on Saturday eclipsing every AltNFL record that has or could ever be made. Coach Roll Tideington said of his QB Tua “Tom Brady is a fat little chubby fuck compared to the God that is TuaTagavailoa.” Tua was rewarded for his performance by the Coaches with an undisclosed amount of large breasted vixens and “Heroin.”
In closing, the Miami Dolphins forever changed how we see AltNFL football. Top to bottom it was the greatest sporting performance in history. They also cleansed the earth of 69,000 Floridians, which is quite possibly the most heroic act of environmental activism that we will ever see. Move over Greta Thunberg. Until next week when the great Miami Dolphins look to absolutely obliterate the Los Angeles Rams (A team most certainly filled from stem to stern with malicious child molesters who frequented Jeffrey Epstein’s Island) I am Carl Conk, signing off.